In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch argues that one of the most important things for a healthy relationship is for each partner to be able to hold onto themselves. This means that each partner should be able to maintain their own sense of identity, values, and goals, even while they are in a close relationship with another person.
Schnarch believes that when we lose ourselves in a relationship, we become emotionally fused with our partner. This can lead to a number of problems, including codependency, resentment, and boredom. When we are fused with our partner, we lose our ability to see things from their perspective, and we become dependent on them for our emotional well-being. This can lead to a lot of conflict and tension in the relationship.
On the other hand, when we are able to hold onto ourselves in a relationship, we are able to maintain our own sense of self-worth and identity. This allows us to be more open and honest with our partner, and it also allows us to be more supportive and understanding. When we are not fused with our partner, we are free to be ourselves, and we are able to appreciate our partner for who they are.
There are a number of things that we can do to hold onto ourselves in a relationship. First, it is important to have a strong sense of self-esteem. This means believing in ourselves and our abilities, even when we make mistakes. It also means being able to accept ourselves for who we are, flaws and all.
Second, it is important to have a strong sense of identity. This means knowing who we are and what we want out of life. It also means having our own goals and values, and being able to pursue them independently of our partner.
Third, it is important to have a strong support network outside of our relationship. This could include friends, family, and a therapist. Having a strong support network can help us to feel secure and supported, even when our relationship is going through a tough time.
Finally, it is important to be able to communicate effectively with our partner. This means being able to express our needs and wants in a clear and direct way. It also means being able to listen to our partner and understand their needs and wants.
Holding onto ourselves in a relationship is not always easy, but it is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. When we are able to hold onto ourselves, we are able to be more open, honest, and supportive with our partner. This allows us to build a stronger and more lasting relationship.
Here are some quotes from David Schnarch about holding onto oneself in a relationship:
- “The most important thing in a relationship is not how much you love each other, but how much you can love yourself without each other.”
- “The key to a healthy relationship is not fusion, but differentiation. Fusion is when two people become so enmeshed that they lose their individual identities. Differentiation is when two people can maintain their own separate identities while still being connected to each other.”
- “When we are able to hold onto ourselves in a relationship, we are able to be more open, honest, and supportive with our partner. This allows us to build a stronger and more lasting relationship.”
If you’d like to lean more about how to strengthen your relationship with your partner/spouse while maintaining your sense of self, reach out to me for a consultation.
Michelle A Coomes MA, LMFT
704-237-0814
